Who made you Judge Judy and Executioner? - The Trial of the Split Fin

I was discussing possible blog posts with Wifebuddy last night, over a rather splendid outing to an expensive restaurant, as we celebrated our 3rd year of marriage.

I know what you’re thinking ladies; ‘that’s one lucky gal!’ That, of course, would be an accurate assumption, and I have no doubt Kerri wakes up every day praising Buddha for blessing her with my eternal companionship.

I would also like to add, the reason my post is a late this week is because I was taking the little lady out for the night. I favoured dinner, as opposed to her observing me sitting in front of my laptop, a more formidable alternative for the evening’s celebrations.

I often run my blog ideas past Kerri; she undoubtedly provides me with a better approach or subject, which I considerably ignore and prattle on regardless. As they say, behind every great man is a greater woman; I am no exception.


On this occasion I decided to heed her advice.


I initial wanted to write a post about all the bits of scuba gear I really hate. Wifebuddy declared this a negative post, unhelpful, and unfair; as it was merely my opinion. She omitted my opinion is omnipotent, but she held a valid argument; as wives often do.



As a result I decided the only fair way to write this post was to pick one thing and put on trial.



The Trial



THE ACCUSED: The Split Fin

A scuba fin with a distinguishable “split” down the middle; often produced in obnoxious colours by a variety of manufacturers.


THE JUDGE: Judge Judy

The irrepressible Judge Judith Sheindlin holds the court; everyone knows there is no greater purveyor of justice and fairness, than a reality TV star.


THE PROSECUTOR: Jimmy Smits

I needed to draft in the best prosecuting attorney at law; and there is no better than the 1980’s judicial legend Jimmy Smits, aka ‘L.A Law’. Plus, only Jimmy could carry off a shiny, silver suit.


THE DEFENECE: Atticus Finch

In the order of fairness the state provided the noblest, courageous, most successful lawyer ever. If, ‘To Kill A Mocking Bird’ fame, Atticus Finch successfully defended a black man against an undeserved rape charge, in 1930’s deep South America; he can provide adequate defence for a fin.


THE WITNESS: I Are Diver

I have witnessed many things the split fin has done, and will provide a clear, concise, and honest portrayal of events.



THE PROSECUTION



Jimmy Smits: Your honour, in these proceedings I will prove to the court, the ‘Split Fin’ is guilty of many travesties in the scuba diving world.


The charges are:

• Destruction of reef property
• Disturbing the silt
• Attempted murder
• Speeding

I call my first witness; I Are Diver.

In your own words Mr Diver, please describe to the court your experience with the split fin.


I Are Diver: Well, I was diving my local site with a new buddy when the incidents in question occurred.

As we were completing our checks I noticed he was carrying a set of split fins. Of course, I was immediately concerned.

Atticus Finch: Objection your Honour; that is opinion not fact.

Judge Judy: Sustained.

I Are Diver: Sorry your Honour. I noticed the split fins and made a mental note. We proceeded with our dive.

Jimmy Smits: How soon into the dive did the charges against the defendant arise?

I Are Diver: Well, at first it was fine, and the dive went on like any other. It was once we reached the wreck I began to notice certain traits.

Jimmy Smits: Define “traits” please Mr. Diver.

I Are Diver: Well, my buddy was demonstrating the flutter kick, and I noticed the wash blowing pieces of sea weed from the hull. It wasn’t really a problem at that time, so we continued along the walkway of the wreck.

Once in the walkway I noticed the wash from the fin knocked an innocent starfish from the wall, and it landed upside down on the gangway floor.


Jimmy Smits: What did you do upon witnessing this barbaric display?

Atticus Finch: Objection!

Judge Judy: Sustained. Mr Smits, please rephrase the question.

Jimmy Smits: What action did you take Mr. Diver when the starfish fell?

I Are Diver: Like any good diver I picked it up and righted it on the floor, so it could continue its innocent existence.

Jimmy Smits: Was any other aquatic life harmed in any way?

I Are Diver: Yes. Nothing was safe. I witnessed many soft corals being subject to the extreme wash from the fin kicks.

Jimmy Smits: What happened next?

I Are Diver: As we progressed into a more silty area of the wreck, it really got scary. My buddy was leading, and with every down stroke of his flutter kick, silt billowed up in front of me, obscuring my vision almost entirely.

Jimmy Smits: Where you afraid?

I Are Diver: Oh, I was very scared. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t see my buddy in the silt out, and I was concerned he may have an issue and I couldn’t reach him. I was also worried that I could have developed a problem and I would be unable to signal for assistance.

Yes, it was a very scary time indeed.


Jimmy Smits: Did you complete the dive?

I Are Diver: Yes. Thankfully I know the wreck exceptionally well, and we had a solid plan, so I was able to predict the route my buddy would take.

Jimmy Smits: You’re a very good diver Mr. Diver.

I Are Diver: Yes I am. Thank you.

Jimmy Smits: What happened once you re-located your buddy?

I Are Diver: I caught up with him and we looked about the wreck a little more, experiencing further silt outs, ever increasing daunting moments of zero visibility, and further disruption to sea life. Thankfully I held it together.

Jimmy Smits: You’re a very good diver Mr. Diver.

I Are Diver: Yes I am. Thank you.

Finally we thumbed the dive and began to follow the line back to shore. All of a sudden, my buddy just took off! He gave two fin kicks and just left me behind. I tried everything, but couldn’t keep up. I merely ended up out of breath and tired.

I think he was trying to kill me with exertion.

Jimmy Smits: That sounds like a terrible ordeal.

I Are Diver: It really was. I think I’m lucky to be alive.

Jimmy Smits: The prosecution has clearly demonstrated that the split fin attacked the marine environment, silted up a shipwreck to zero visibility, thus endangering Mr. Diver and finally speeding away after the incidents described previous.


The prosecution rests.



THE DEFENCE


Atticus Finch: If it pleases the court I would like to introduce ‘exhibit A.’ Do you recognise this photograph Mr Diver?

EXHIBIT A

I Are Diver: Eh yes, it was on our honeymoon. I believe it was our wedding night.

Jimmy Smits: Objection your Honour; there is no evidence those are Mr Diver’s fins.

Judge Judy: Are they your fins Mr Diver? Remember you’re under oath.

I Are Diver: Eh … yes, the black fins are mine. But…

Atticus Finch: Can you tell the court precisely what fins they are?

I Are Diver: I, eh, can’t recall.

Atticus Finch: I want the TRUTH!

I Are Diver: You can’t handle the truth!!

…

…

Ok, I admit it. I had Oceanic V12 split fins. But I didn’t want them; my diving instructor used to own them … he MADE me buy them from him!

I didn’t know…

*sniff*

Atticus Finch: What became of the fins?

I Are Diver: I sold them on eBay, but I hardly made any profit…

Atticus Finch: So, not only do you admit to having such ‘dangerous’ fins, but you were content to pass them on to another diver?

Have you ever heard of corporate responsibility Mr Diver?

Jimmy Smits: Objection!

Atticus Finch: Withdrawn. Have you nothing to say Mr Diver?

I Are Diver: I… I didn’t know any better. I hadn’t been educated… I had no one to guide me. I’m sorry; do you think ebay user ilovescuba8769 is ok?

… how could I have known? … oh God… what have I done?



Judge Judy: Bailiff; get Mr Diver a tissue and escort him to Wifebuddy.



Atticus Finch: I believe I have proved to the court that IF the split fin is SO dangerous, as the charges suggest, how could a diver as ‘fabulous’ as I Are Diver have owned such an item, provided by a professional diving instructor no less, and subsequently sold them to a new diver for financial gain?



The facts speak for themselves.



The defence rests.



Verdict


Judge Judy: I have considered all the evidence before me and I firmly believe the split fin is GUILTY as charged.

• The wash created is ridiculous.
• A diver has no control when wearing them.
• Silt outs are dominant with split fin divers.
• Aquatic life is under constant threat while these weapons of mass destruction are available to the public.
• They are an overpriced solution to a problem that does not exist.

I hereby sentence that all Split Fins be thrown over the side of the dive boat to form an artificial reef.

Atticus Finch: Your Honour I appeal your decision! Let the masses have their say!



Calling all scuba divers – Should the Split Fin be sentenced to death?