Top 5 things you DON'T want to see scuba diving

Every now and again i have an elongated rambling / conversation with my eternal Twitter chum The Divemistress; an especially talented blogger from New Guinea or something; and I thoroughly encourage my many, many readers to go and read her rather splendid blog.




Periodically we have late night chats, over beers mostly, in the hope of coming up with winning blog content to make us both famous. Such fame was achieved in the "What's in my dive bag" post from way back, never to be replicated.





The following post has nothing to do with that conversation, well, not really.





As Tara and i were twittering away i was watching enduring a rather atrocious horror move - Anaconda. God it was awful; entertaining as figuring out how to lick my own elbow.

The next day whilst thinking about what to write about, it hit me - what would i NOT like to see on a dive; snakes featuring possibly on top of the list.

So, besides 'John Voigt eating' giant snakes, which bearing in mind his latest acting output isn't really a bad thing, what else would i least like to see?

TOP 5 THINGS I DON'T WANT TO SEE ON A DIVE

1. OTHER DIVERS

I appreciate diving is a sociable sport (yes, i said sport), which inevitably involves other people, and although i do believe myself to be a pretty sociable guy, sometimes i could see my diving peers far enough.


I love going out on a dive; taking a few blurry photos, shooting some poorly framed video, practicing some dodgey skills and so forth. However, more often than not my tranquil existence becomes interrupted by other divers. When i say 'interrupted,' i mean coming face to face with a charging mass of silt, filled with a dive club.

I'm DIVING! - WAHHHHHH!!!!!!

It fascinates me that divers can make such an absolute shambles of visibility in a relatively low silt area, remain together long enough to find me, and finally engulf me in floating debris. It is usually coupled with being beaten around the head by giant plastic reels, smbs, torches, pony cylinders, chain saws etc dripping from their badly fitted BCD as they clamber over the top of me.



I then receive a hearty 'OK" and a split fin in the face.



I hate them. I hate them all.

2. A DEAD BODY

I appreciate that coming across a dead body is tough enough at the best of times, but meeting one underwater would certainly be an interesting day out. It wasn't something i ever pondered, until a fellow diver noted 'some guy' had fallen into the lough a few weeks previously, and was never recovered.


Another reason why i hate other divers.


Strangford Lough is pretty bare on the sea bed. There is little or no geography at all, in fact it's pretty much flat; that is until our favourite ship wreck interrupts the landscape. If there was every anything that would snag a floating corpse - it's The Alastor.


On that memorable dive i recall finning along the walkway, anticipating coming face to face with 'yer man, the dead guy' and subsequently poo'ing myself as a cardiac arrest took hold.

"I see dead people" - fair play lad; but not whilst diving.

3. KRACKEN

I have seen pictures of lunatics diving with Humboldt Squid in dive magazines; which is about as close as i will ever get. Wifebuddy was equally bemused as i demonstrated how people with no brains were getting dive certs these days and diving with creepy red demons.

source: National Geographic

As if the 8 legged beasties weren't intimidating enough, Wifebuddy responded with;

"Yeah, they're pretty scary; but they're no Kracken."



"What's a Kracken?" i queried.



"My dad told me about them. They are like squid, only dead big," Wifebuddy informed.



"How big?" i enquired.



"They eat ships!" she announced.



"Fuck that." The only response for something that eats ships.

I don't want to see one of those. Ever. Even if I'm in a ship. I wonder if Blue O Two know about them?

4. JIM DONWLING

I like Jim. Jim took me for my TDI Helitrox course, and it was dead good; but he's a nightmare to dive with. I can't be sure, but I'm fairly convinced Batman was based upon Jim. He's a stealthy bastard, which makes diving with him especially taxing.

Don't be fooled by his creepy smile...
Jim Dowling

Things Jim has done to me:

• Stashed bullying slates in deep ravines in foreign countries for me to find whilst on holiday.

• Purged my regulator when i was on deco to see what i would do.

• 'Scootered me' on the Rosalie Moller.

• Wrote 'scooter' on my TDI certification card, and my cap.

• Is nicer to Kerri than to me.

• He also recruited the nice photographer fellow Jason Brown into bullying me as well; which effectively makes him his trusty sidekick - Robin.

When Jim is in the sea, i get concerned.

5. A CAVE DIVER

If, when diving, i come face to face with a cave diver that can only mean one thing; I'm in cave. I don't want to be in a cave.

It's Phil - oh shit!
source: SUEX

I have done plenty of overhead environment diving, both physical and virtual, very successfully. I have followed that lunatic Tall Poomer around the inside of shipwrecks without the faintest idea how to get out should he have chosen to abandon me, and remained quite happy.


A cave is different.


There are plenty of cave divers, i even know some that are still alive, and it's plenty safe apparently; but they just seem more dangerous. I am determined to get over this fear by allowing Wifebuddy to do a cave course. If she makes it through; i'll maybe have a go. In the mean time i'll be in the open water.

6. SNAKES

I'm not counting this as that's what spurred the list; but i don't want to meet one in the water nonetheless.



I'm with Indiana Jones; snakes are bad.

SUMMARY

There you go; the top 5 things i don't want to see underwater. I appreciate the top 5 things i WOULD like to see underwater would be much prettier; but where's the fun in that?



What's your 'not' top 5?






Safe diving folks!







Jimmy Savile; wouldn't fancy meeting him either... god knows where that would end up.