The Scuba Olympics

LONDON 2012

A few months ago i recall some fella, on the TV, running about with a big flaming torch thing. Even I, setting aside my lack of interest in all things sport, was able to comprehend it was related to the pending Olympics; affectinately known as London 2012.

I have to admit my interest was sparked, just a little, as The Games (it gets capitalised right?) was located so close to home; so close being a relative term of course, but closer than Beijing ... i think.


With my attention at it's peak, i took a good look at the 'Olympic Torch.' Upon closer inspection, i was a little disappointed. It's a bit modern isn't it? Don't get me wrong, i'm all about technology, up to date stuff, and anything with an "i" in front of it; but i just felt the torch was all wrong. 

The torch should be like one the used by Indiana Jones in Raiders of The Lost Ark; be a really archaic, rolled up piece of bark or parchment, filled with dried mulch, be lit in a cave by banging two rocks together; and finally handed off to the oldest man ever.

The old man would then begin the great race, coming to climax by igniting a giant petrol bomb and throwing it through the window of the Olympic shopfront.




Now that's an opening ceremony.




Perhaps a little bit too 'Northern Ireland' in retrospect.

TOO MUCH TV IS A BAD THING

When The Olympics were fully underway, it was impossible to avoid. My television was invaded by men in lycra leatards, and women with six packs. I found it rather intimidating.




That said, I got a little sucked in; and now it's all over i feel a void needs filling.




I watched a few bits and pieces; boxing, rowing, swimming, and surprisingly, i throughly enjoyed the archery; although a little absurd. I was expecting Robin Hood sorta shit, but the bows (and i use that term loosely) looked like an anorexic Decepticon; yet another Olypmpic failure. 

Although the whole Mo Farah thing really got me going!

A few days into The Games, the wheels came off completely as far as i was concerned. Some of the sports are a bit of stretch if you asked me; Ping Pong? Water Polo? Dresage? - are these really the sports of an Olympian?

The nail in the coffin was MENS beach volleyball. Never, since that scarring scene from Top Gun have i encountered such a penis-shrinking sensation.




It appears every sport under the sun is categorically an Olympic Event; apart from Scuba.

Regular readers of this blogish nonsense will know i have debated, "Is Scuba Diving a Sport?"; but yet again, scuba is cast aside, like the ginger step child of the sporting world.

Well; i'm not having it.

Bring forth - THE SCUBA OLYMPICS!

ARCHERY

Plenty of scuba divers are masters of the spear gun. Personally, i've never used one, but they look bloody difficult. I imagine that if a diver can hit a moving fish, underwater; tapping the stagnant, yellow 10 spot, on a glorified dart board, would be a piece of piss. 

With a strong historical success in spearfishing, AUSTRALIA take the gold. 

ATHLETICS

I appreciate Athletics encompasses a variety of things, but let's face it; it's mostly running. Yet of course the Olympics manage to sperate running into a million differenet events.

This could be applied to scuba easily.







100M - This is a pool orientated event over 2 lengths. Divers will opt for shortie, backplate only, and a single 7litre cylinder; to allow for fast movement through the water. Split fins will be a favoured piece of equipment also.

EGYPT take gold, as they dive like that all the time anyway.



10,000M - This is a deep sea event, in order to facilitate the span of the race. Due to the duration underwater, it is favoured by rebreather divers.

With all those rebreathers in the race, Kevin Gurr from VR Technology is the coach that every team wishes to have; and GBR take gold.

SAILING

Boating is a huge part of the scuba world. As much as i hate diving from them, the RHIB (Rigid Hulled Inflatable Boat), it is an integral cog of a days diving. 

The sailing scuba race is a simple one, and is practiced on a weekly basis. We have all seen it; 2 rival clubs meet at the same pier on a Sunday morning, and what ensuses is a mad dash to the local shipwreck to secure the solitary mooring point.




Any diver will know that any local BSAC club will own a race of this nature, so GBR takes another gold.

CYCLING

Cycling is aggressive, fast, and all that, but in scuba we have one better; underwater motorbikes - aka the scooter.

Comparable to track cycling, the Scuba Olympic version is a similar oval layout, in which two divers, each equipped with the sought after Suex scooter, attempt a head to head race spanned over 3 laps. Competitors for this race are avid wreck divers, as they are used to flying around in circles in order to see every piece of wreck possible.




Jim Dowling was set for a win, but unfortunately his "scooter" broke down, and with some of the best scooter wreck dives being in NORWAY; they snap up the gold.

WEIGHT LIFTING

Lifting weight underwater is much easier than on land, all done with the aid of lift bags. I've never used a lift bag, but i always figured there was quite a technique to it. It's all about managing the air in the bag during the ascent; dumping gas at the appropriate levels, as the atmospheric pressure changes.

Unlike the land olympics, the Scuba Olympic weight lifting is a team event, in which a group of five divers attempt to lift the greatest weight possible.


USA, with their extensive quest for memorabilia from The Andrea Doria, took an early lead; but the unquenchable thirst for spidge from the Irish cannot be rivalled. Once the inverted oil drums, lashed to an entire wreck, were filled with several 15l cylinders of air, IRELAND had the gold in the bag.

DIVING

When it comes to the Scuba Olympics, the "diving" category refers to water entry. Entry includes the back roll from a rib, log roll, giant stride and so forth.

Points are awarded for clearing the shoreline, kit remaining in situ, remembering to have mask/regulator in place, and finally signalling OK to the shore cover.





A very popular event, as most divers can fall into the sea; however, due to the extensive shore diving in the country, Agnes Upton (Maltaqua fame) takes the gold for MALTA.


[I had the prviledge of meeting Agnes when taking my TDI tech course.]

EQUESTRIAN

I know, i know, there are zero horses in the sea, but we do have ponies. The pony event is very popular with older, heavily bearded gentlemen, with a fondeness for pies. Points are awarded for use of small ponies, creative attachment to the diver, multi-coloured hoses, and ingenius methods of routing the second stage.

Maximium points are acquired when a diver sucks their primary tank completely dry, and only switches to the pony at the last possible minute.




As exepected, BSAC club diver heroes GBR take the gold.

GYMNASTICS

Gymnastics is a display of elegance, control, finese and distinction. In short; buoyancy. In the Scuba Olympics, divers are encouraged to make fine adjustments to their bouyancy to naviagate hoops, tunnels, obstacles, and of course - never touch the silty bottom below.

PADI divemasters are often favourites for this event, due to their ability to simply hang in the water, keeping a watchful eye on instructors and students alike; but the Florida GUE cave divers secure another gold for USA.

SWIMMING

A whole new level of fitness is required for the diver that participates in a good surface swim. Most hate it, yet continually we see divers conduct the 'swim of shame' at inland quarries across the globe.

The rules are simple; the diver must scuba to the far end of the Olympic Quarry, planning their gas just right so they run out as far from the shore as possible. A rapid ascent must occur, followed by the long, hard, backwards swim to the entry point.




GBR looked good for gold, but the race isn't over until the diver exits the water, and unfortunately the British team had nothing left, being unable to haul their kit out. GERMANY take the gold. 

SYNCHRONISED SWIMMING

A beautiful sight to behold, the synchronise scubatics is simply mind blowing.

A group of ten students gather in a large semi-circle on the sea bed, facing one scuba instructor. The instructor always takes the lead, reaching slowly for the pimary regulator, removing it from the mouth, tossing it over the right shoulder, finally tracing the hose down to the second stage, and purging as it is replaced.




A graceful display from the PADI team gives USA a well deserved gold.

TRIATHLON

This is for the most accomplised and enthusiastic of scuba divers; often looked upon as the most difficult of all Scuba Olympic Games. The race begins at the divers home, where they must pack all their kit into bags and boxes, in order to be transported to the dive site.

• Stage 1: All scuba kit, including cylinders, must be manually carried to the local bus stop. 

• Stage 2: Scuba kit must be loaded onto the bus, manouvered to a safe area of the vehicle, then carried off in the same manner. 

• Stage 3: Once at the local dive site, the diver must get changed into drysuit, don their kit, jump into the sea and conduct a recreational dive, as quickly as possible. 

Most divers fall at the first stage, taking their own car, and to be honest i have only ever heard of one diver to do such a mad thing. IRELAND take the gold.


I was going to design a scuba Modern Pentathlon; but i felt it was ridiculous enough as it stands.

THE RESULT

So there you have it; the definitive guide to how the Olympics could quite easily facilitate scuba diving. My only fear is that when Ireland finally hold the games we won't have the visibility, as the viz on The Alastor sucks; although the constant scooter crashes would be awesome viewing.


The Scuba Olympics was a close call, but amazingly GBR appear to be the clear winners; a sure sign this post is a piece of fiction; well not quite, as The Games showed.



Who is the scuba Mo Farah anyway?

Oh, and the closing ceremony consists of ale in the local pub. 

The End.

Did I miss anything?